six month update LOL
Nov. 16th, 2024 10:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
parkwonbinsomehow it feels like a lot has happened since my last post and at the same time nothing has happened. okay that's a lie a lot has happened. this is usually the time i go "right time for a fresh start!" but unfortunately I find myself kinda afraid to venture into new beginnings, and I guess putting everything I'm feeling into a longform word vomit is my way of facing everything and figuring it out away from the mess in my head.
okay so I'm going to need to split this into sections for the sake of organisation:
immediately listing these sections shows me exactly where all my problems lie and why I kinda feel stuck in this... stasis... limbo? where I can't go back to how I used to be, and I can't move forward either, and I don't want to exist in the present ?!?!? okay negativity aside I think this right here is a step in the right direction -- im taking a breather -- a pause -- to evaluate my situation (lmfao I feel like im being so dramatic over nothing but YEAH WHO CARES)
going home after that, and just having that break away from my internship and academia, and having my sister home too was such a lifesaver. it was really just a period of healing for me --- which also did inevitably get me to stay offline (the twt experience being a miserable one didn't help either, and my mental was doing poorly enough!) and I have this thing where the longer I stay away from something, the harder it is for me to get back into it. i get this anxiety about it all, and I feel so out of place. I don't think it's a bad thing not to want to go on twitter anymore and to pretend like everything's okay and I'm having fun like I did back when things felt more carefree. the problem is that it got me alienating myself from the people I care about, and people that care about me. these guys are the best and really the only important part of twitter. but I have a nasty habit of just detaching, so I just disappeared everywhere. and then the anxiety and guilt of ghosting makes it harder to reach out again with every passing day. I really thought that this year I'd been improving on the communication element but summer 2024 was a harsh slap of reality.
finishing leni's bday fic was the highlight of june for me. I still haven't finished jie's bday fic, and fae's bday comes up next month so I'm definitely going to be super late with her fic. I think there'll be more on all this in the plan section but YEAH. I tried not to be too hard on myself because I had a bunch of hospital visits and recovery to deal with, and working on stuff for friends is actually a treat for myself and a source of respite rather than an assignment. you'll see that if there's one consistent thing I've been doing from may 2024 to this day in november 2024, it's writing. the pace is another matter but progress is being made.
summer came and went in the blink of an eye. one moment im in my living room working on jiefic (and briefly reconnecting with everyone on discord -- we even sprinted!!) and then im on a plane to america, and then on a very big boat, and then its September and im starting the year again this time with a cohort I know nothing about while they've all known each other for nearly three years. I'd say just trying to get back in the swing of things was a battle but I've met some really lovely people, and things aren't as bad at this point as they were last year. ive also started my internship again and its definitely having its up and downs (can u tell that as im writing im becoming very conscious of oversharing LOL im skimming details now) but thats exactly what life is, so I'll brave the storm. it's hard to find time for myself amidst everything though, really hard. every time I think "I survived", life tosses me into another obstacle course so there are moments where I genuinely look at the sky and wonder "why me" or I just sit there and cry. there was a week where I just didn't attend anything at all. and then the following week I picked my ass up and tried to survive again. the past six months especially has been me trying to focus on the good things, standing up, falling and then standing up again. I just hope that each time I stand up I at least take a single step forward.
on the more positive things, I started to become more active -- gym and dance classes, and to do more things to make sure I'm actually ALIVE and LIVING rather than existing. i've been to the cinema every month, I went out for pho with a friend, I went shopping at a wholesale thrifting event, I saw between friends! I've been cooking more and signing up to things and turns out autumn isn't such a bad season after all. my SAD gets so bad at this time of the year but I've been faring better in comparison to other years. I just don't want to be running away...
I do intend to continue writing for riize. I've been working on a syongnen that should be out before the end of the year (currently sitting at 22k) and my syongseoknen (about 37k) will become priority once im done with the syongnen. no idea rn how long that'll take with my pacing and everything I'm juggling but if I decide to split it into three chapters after all then there's a possibility the first chapter is also out by the end of the year. my fujo passion still burns strong and bright. ao3 protagonism might be my only fandom interaction.
I was telling emara last month after seunghan's withdrawal that I was getting into new interests. at that time I was getting into anime again and developed a very strong hunter x hunter fixation, but that would prove nothing in comparison to my current daiya no ace hyperfixation!!!!!! it's so strong I rebranded my priv already, and I'm thinking of rebranding this journal... im sorry wonbin.. make way for miyuki kazuya...
but do I have plans to get into fandom for my new hyperfixation? NOPE! besides potentially writing fic for daiya and/or hxh I simply can't jump from the hellscape of briizetwt to the hellscape of anitwt LOL. and even more than that, as I mentioned earlier, im having problems with maintaining friendships with my shit communication skills... I'm veeeeery hesitant to meet new people with the same interests knowing fully well my horrible tendencies as soon as things go wrong, not when I haven't figured my shit out. I'm so fortunate to have understanding and patient friends but everyone has a limit and im pretty sure I've pushed it and yet there's a block in my brain that won't let me fix up. on the flip side it makes writing more therapeutic cos I project a little into the characters... I love them but they're terrible. I love them *because* they're terrible? idek anymore.
minor side interest: baseball???? this is entirely because I read ctzen's seoknen baseball fic (under your control) and then proceeded to start a conversation in their comments section while watching daiya no ace. I still barely KNOW SHIT besides the rules and positions and stuff, like the general game. I tried looking at pitchingninja's overlays but I still cant tell pitches apart; the pitch quiz online is SOOO baffling and humbling. but baseball is SOO FKIN FUNNY SOMETIMES. or dramatic. its a sport where personality is a big thing right from the umpire (pls look up angel hernandez) to all the players. jomboymedia has great videos about all these LMFAAO. and then the yaoi explosion that is the battery dynamic (PLS THEY CALL THE CATCHER THE WIFE OF THE TEAM, and pitcher and catcher are a couple. literally.) and also the shortstop and second baseman dynamic. OKAYYYY. im still trying to find my footing with MLB but I picked the wrong time since I got into it after the World Series ended BUTTTT I will get myself ready for spring training!!! if I had to pick a team I'd be cliche and go dodgers simply because I saw one too many cute clips about shohei ohtani (also this one clip of teoscar teaching shohei and yamamoto Spanish which was soooo CUTE, and the high likelihood of roki sasaki joining them) ALSO JOE KELLY in general for being demented on the mound and also shitting on the yankees by comparing them to like preschoolers. I bet the yankee fans didn't like that. but yankee fans give me army vibes idk. I keep thinking of the fans that literally snatched the ball from mookie's glove during a game. insane behaviour. we also have rojas shitting on the yankees too but politely. baseball is so fucking dramatic.
*minor* side interest. proceeds to write a paragraph.
I WISH DAIYA WAS MORE POPULAR!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually cant get enough of it. ive already started rereading and rewatching and opening tumblr and camping on ao3 and lordddd the fics are SO GOOD I literally was moved to tears (then again it's that time of the month so) but I forgot how giddy new hyperfixations get me. I want a seido varsity jacket, and a miyuki kazuya nendoroid, and a baseball bat. I downloaded the daiya ost playlist. I read nearly 200k of a fic in a single day. and I love that there are SO MANY PAIRINGS TO ENJOY! I forgot how much fun yaoi could be when you don't have someone constantly ragging on your favourite ship or hosting olympics over what pairing is more legit or has more moments or whatever. I can enjoy without inhibition. perhaps its an effect of the characters being fictional, or that I haven't put myself in a fandom space where ship wars are apparent. with a lot of the writers being older too it feels like there's more... maturity? when it comes to approaching fandom. ANYWAY the manga finished in 2022 but the author is drawing more chapters again AND a season 4 was confirmed for the anime so I feel so blessed! this happened with hxh too where as soon as I got into it the author started updating again after years. MAYBE IT'S ALL A SIGN.
keeping it easy with the plans so I don't overwhelm myself. obviously I didn't include irl plans because that's a whole other ballpark.
okayyyyyyyy that was a LOT more than I'd planned to say. tbh I didn't even plan anything at all. also forgot to mention that I regularly play hsr as if that really matters or means anything.
maybe I'll regret this in the morning
okay so I'm going to need to split this into sections for the sake of organisation:
- irl happenings
- fandom-related happenings
- me rn
- plans
immediately listing these sections shows me exactly where all my problems lie and why I kinda feel stuck in this... stasis... limbo? where I can't go back to how I used to be, and I can't move forward either, and I don't want to exist in the present ?!?!? okay negativity aside I think this right here is a step in the right direction -- im taking a breather -- a pause -- to evaluate my situation (lmfao I feel like im being so dramatic over nothing but YEAH WHO CARES)
irl happenings
friends already knew about my health issues... they got worse at the end of may so beginning of june had me interrupting my studies to start the academic year afresh come autumn. honestly this whole thing fucked with my mental soooo much I became so withdrawn from everything and everyone. besides texts with emara and calls with my sister I don't think I remember anything about may besides the kendrick/drake beef and watching windbreaker (and subsequently reading the manga). I honestly think things were even worse cos I was in an unfamiliar city far from everyone and that made dealing with physical problems that much harder but YUP thank goodness that's over.going home after that, and just having that break away from my internship and academia, and having my sister home too was such a lifesaver. it was really just a period of healing for me --- which also did inevitably get me to stay offline (the twt experience being a miserable one didn't help either, and my mental was doing poorly enough!) and I have this thing where the longer I stay away from something, the harder it is for me to get back into it. i get this anxiety about it all, and I feel so out of place. I don't think it's a bad thing not to want to go on twitter anymore and to pretend like everything's okay and I'm having fun like I did back when things felt more carefree. the problem is that it got me alienating myself from the people I care about, and people that care about me. these guys are the best and really the only important part of twitter. but I have a nasty habit of just detaching, so I just disappeared everywhere. and then the anxiety and guilt of ghosting makes it harder to reach out again with every passing day. I really thought that this year I'd been improving on the communication element but summer 2024 was a harsh slap of reality.
finishing leni's bday fic was the highlight of june for me. I still haven't finished jie's bday fic, and fae's bday comes up next month so I'm definitely going to be super late with her fic. I think there'll be more on all this in the plan section but YEAH. I tried not to be too hard on myself because I had a bunch of hospital visits and recovery to deal with, and working on stuff for friends is actually a treat for myself and a source of respite rather than an assignment. you'll see that if there's one consistent thing I've been doing from may 2024 to this day in november 2024, it's writing. the pace is another matter but progress is being made.
summer came and went in the blink of an eye. one moment im in my living room working on jiefic (and briefly reconnecting with everyone on discord -- we even sprinted!!) and then im on a plane to america, and then on a very big boat, and then its September and im starting the year again this time with a cohort I know nothing about while they've all known each other for nearly three years. I'd say just trying to get back in the swing of things was a battle but I've met some really lovely people, and things aren't as bad at this point as they were last year. ive also started my internship again and its definitely having its up and downs (can u tell that as im writing im becoming very conscious of oversharing LOL im skimming details now) but thats exactly what life is, so I'll brave the storm. it's hard to find time for myself amidst everything though, really hard. every time I think "I survived", life tosses me into another obstacle course so there are moments where I genuinely look at the sky and wonder "why me" or I just sit there and cry. there was a week where I just didn't attend anything at all. and then the following week I picked my ass up and tried to survive again. the past six months especially has been me trying to focus on the good things, standing up, falling and then standing up again. I just hope that each time I stand up I at least take a single step forward.
on the more positive things, I started to become more active -- gym and dance classes, and to do more things to make sure I'm actually ALIVE and LIVING rather than existing. i've been to the cinema every month, I went out for pho with a friend, I went shopping at a wholesale thrifting event, I saw between friends! I've been cooking more and signing up to things and turns out autumn isn't such a bad season after all. my SAD gets so bad at this time of the year but I've been faring better in comparison to other years. I just don't want to be running away...
fandom-related happenings
riize happened. getting into riize has been one of the best and worst experiences of my life. I think I got in too deep though, so I've stepped back. and while it's helping, it's sad. I saw them in April and was over the moon, I get sick in may, and being unable to function as normal due to physical restrictions, I ended up leaning heavily on my energy online. things that probably shouldn't matter much ended up mattering so much more to me, and it was mentally and emotionally taxing. i've been very vocal to friends about my stance on the fandom politics, but I got so sensitive about everything and that wasn't what I needed. I still don't agree with the general western briize sentiment, I never agreed with the actions that only serve to sabotage the group, and falling into the vocal minority in the fandom space only made me feel more alienated from the community. besides it's no secret that no one is really having fun or being as active as they used to be. it's just not the same and I'm not feeling it. I decided that I'd just support riize at my own pace away from accounts telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and that there was no use in me getting worked up over briize behaviours knowing they'd never budge or see what I consider reason and logic. I can only hope that things iron out okay for the guys.I do intend to continue writing for riize. I've been working on a syongnen that should be out before the end of the year (currently sitting at 22k) and my syongseoknen (about 37k) will become priority once im done with the syongnen. no idea rn how long that'll take with my pacing and everything I'm juggling but if I decide to split it into three chapters after all then there's a possibility the first chapter is also out by the end of the year. my fujo passion still burns strong and bright. ao3 protagonism might be my only fandom interaction.
I was telling emara last month after seunghan's withdrawal that I was getting into new interests. at that time I was getting into anime again and developed a very strong hunter x hunter fixation, but that would prove nothing in comparison to my current daiya no ace hyperfixation!!!!!! it's so strong I rebranded my priv already, and I'm thinking of rebranding this journal... im sorry wonbin.. make way for miyuki kazuya...
but do I have plans to get into fandom for my new hyperfixation? NOPE! besides potentially writing fic for daiya and/or hxh I simply can't jump from the hellscape of briizetwt to the hellscape of anitwt LOL. and even more than that, as I mentioned earlier, im having problems with maintaining friendships with my shit communication skills... I'm veeeeery hesitant to meet new people with the same interests knowing fully well my horrible tendencies as soon as things go wrong, not when I haven't figured my shit out. I'm so fortunate to have understanding and patient friends but everyone has a limit and im pretty sure I've pushed it and yet there's a block in my brain that won't let me fix up. on the flip side it makes writing more therapeutic cos I project a little into the characters... I love them but they're terrible. I love them *because* they're terrible? idek anymore.
minor side interest: baseball???? this is entirely because I read ctzen's seoknen baseball fic (under your control) and then proceeded to start a conversation in their comments section while watching daiya no ace. I still barely KNOW SHIT besides the rules and positions and stuff, like the general game. I tried looking at pitchingninja's overlays but I still cant tell pitches apart; the pitch quiz online is SOOO baffling and humbling. but baseball is SOO FKIN FUNNY SOMETIMES. or dramatic. its a sport where personality is a big thing right from the umpire (pls look up angel hernandez) to all the players. jomboymedia has great videos about all these LMFAAO. and then the yaoi explosion that is the battery dynamic (PLS THEY CALL THE CATCHER THE WIFE OF THE TEAM, and pitcher and catcher are a couple. literally.) and also the shortstop and second baseman dynamic. OKAYYYY. im still trying to find my footing with MLB but I picked the wrong time since I got into it after the World Series ended BUTTTT I will get myself ready for spring training!!! if I had to pick a team I'd be cliche and go dodgers simply because I saw one too many cute clips about shohei ohtani (also this one clip of teoscar teaching shohei and yamamoto Spanish which was soooo CUTE, and the high likelihood of roki sasaki joining them) ALSO JOE KELLY in general for being demented on the mound and also shitting on the yankees by comparing them to like preschoolers. I bet the yankee fans didn't like that. but yankee fans give me army vibes idk. I keep thinking of the fans that literally snatched the ball from mookie's glove during a game. insane behaviour. we also have rojas shitting on the yankees too but politely. baseball is so fucking dramatic.
*minor* side interest. proceeds to write a paragraph.
I WISH DAIYA WAS MORE POPULAR!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually cant get enough of it. ive already started rereading and rewatching and opening tumblr and camping on ao3 and lordddd the fics are SO GOOD I literally was moved to tears (then again it's that time of the month so) but I forgot how giddy new hyperfixations get me. I want a seido varsity jacket, and a miyuki kazuya nendoroid, and a baseball bat. I downloaded the daiya ost playlist. I read nearly 200k of a fic in a single day. and I love that there are SO MANY PAIRINGS TO ENJOY! I forgot how much fun yaoi could be when you don't have someone constantly ragging on your favourite ship or hosting olympics over what pairing is more legit or has more moments or whatever. I can enjoy without inhibition. perhaps its an effect of the characters being fictional, or that I haven't put myself in a fandom space where ship wars are apparent. with a lot of the writers being older too it feels like there's more... maturity? when it comes to approaching fandom. ANYWAY the manga finished in 2022 but the author is drawing more chapters again AND a season 4 was confirmed for the anime so I feel so blessed! this happened with hxh too where as soon as I got into it the author started updating again after years. MAYBE IT'S ALL A SIGN.
me rn
oops I kinda already added the things im doing rn to the last 2 sections um. summary I guess??- I'm writing a syongnen longfic (calling it long because it's over 20k but ngl river's works makes 20k look regular so lemme hold off on calling it a longfic unless it extends past 30k)
- I've gotten a new hyperfixation on daiya no ace
- I've been focusing on other interests --- DnA, HxH, baseball, animanga in general
- school is taking a dump on me but I'm hanging in there
- don't see myself returning to twt in the near future, maybeeeeeee priv if I get over the anxiety after not talking to everyone in forever.
- will be supporting riize from a more casual and private standpoint
plans
- dreamwidth: thinking of rebranding this journal. I'm in a pretty different frame of mind compared to may, and I won't be posting just riize related things here anymore. I'm thinking that I'll post riize wips and stuff, but more meta and rant kinda things on the animanga im keeping up with, and personal things too, keep it like a blog of sorts.
- social media: might resurrect priv to see friends again and interact with new interests. I made a bluesky on a whim but don't know what to do with it. its intimidating. I also picked up Tumblr again.
- fic: finish jiefic and post. hope it isn't weird after so long. god I was gonna come back when seunghan did but I was unwell and right when I could actually open my eyes without dying he left permanently and the timing and atmosphere got ruined. ANYWAY finish jiefic. outline faefic.. the problem here is I don't even know if friends still even have the same interest in riize/yaoi anymore. there's also the syongseoknen I've been sitting on for nearly a year. I need to get it out and away from me. I seriously have like 100 wips/project ideas and no time to write them. I'd be unstoppable if I had time, focus, and consistent good health.
keeping it easy with the plans so I don't overwhelm myself. obviously I didn't include irl plans because that's a whole other ballpark.
okayyyyyyyy that was a LOT more than I'd planned to say. tbh I didn't even plan anything at all. also forgot to mention that I regularly play hsr as if that really matters or means anything.
maybe I'll regret this in the morning
